The Watchwoman On The Wall

Have you ever try to define yourself, your role in this life and guessing how well you are doing? I have! I love analyzing situations around me, identifying issues in people's lives and planning scenarios of what the outcomes will be if certain steps were taken. In doing so, I have found out that what I imagined often has become reality. I usually didn't have any problem when positive results were evident, but it bothers me the most when negative outcomes were the results. Now as I am getting close to mid century in age, I can't get away from whom I am, nor stop my vivid imagination. Did you ever take the time to analyze your life and choices in order to define yourself and your current state in life?

My parents separated when I was eight years old. I was the eldest and only girl of a family of five. As my father emigrated to the United States and my mother went her way, we were placed in three different boarding homes in the care of loving people, but not family members. Comparing ourselves with the majority of Haitian children, we were lucky to have three meals a day, a roof over our heads, and the privilege of enjoying private education. However what did my upbringing do to me in the way I see people around me, and situations I am involved in sometimes against my will? I know that it had molded me into the woman I am today.

As I was growing up, I could never be close to nor trust the people around me. Something in my child heart broke when my parents separated. I unknowingly was hurt emotionally because I couldn't see them, nor benefit from their guidance and loving embrace when dealing with childhood hurts. It was also around the same time that I became a Christian and had my first communion. At this young age, I know that when I accepted Jesus in my life and had my first communion that I was committing myself to a God I couldn't see. But I understood that He was “something” or somebody real. I didn't quite understand what my dedication will require of me, but I knew that Jesus loves me enough to die for me no matter what I did, and I know that I also love Him.

I guess it was during those younger years that my imagination took the best of me. Everything I wanted to do or see became reality through my dreams in my mind. What the best way to live life! I would often heal my childhood heart pain by talking to Jesus, asking him to take me to heaven, complaining to him and asking him to help me. I remember so many teary nights with this void and pain in my heart searching for something that I couldn't give a name to or define, and asking Jesus to help me. I didn't quite understand that those times were precious moments that were working at making me realize that only He could heal my broken soul. I understand now that this deep feeling of peace and love that surrounded me when I was talking to God was the tangible presence of Jesus. How I love him! Thanks Jesus for loving me so much and helping me love you and others also!

This deep lingering, constant hunger in my soul that started from my childhood made me the woman I am today. My life is full of brokenness and earthly issues, but I am greatly loved, full of joy, and I am in love with the Maker of the universe. How do I define myself? I feel like I am the spider that is in king's palaces doing its things and that is unnoticed at times. I feel like a loner although I know that I am not lonely, fully persuaded that my essence is greater that I can humanly comprehend, guarding myself in my trust of people, learning to love others as I love myself, and waiting for the fulfillment of all things so I can fully know the One in whom I have trusted. I choose to believe and obey the Word of God and live to know the peace that surpasses all understanding in dealing with all issues in my life.

I am learning to define myself as the Father sees me. I am vigilant at not forgetting that the way He sees me is the same way He sees others who are also in Christ Jesus. I know that His love extends to all His creation, but that those who believe in Jesus are His children by adoption. We are all dearly loved, accepted in the beloved, forgiven, the apple of God's eye, righteous, God's chosen people, holy, anointed, co-heir with Jesus, children of God, et cetera. Father loves us as much as He loves Jesus. We have the victory in Jesus and no weapons formed against us will prosper, if we continue in our faith, established and firm, not moved from the hope held out in the gospel (Colossians 1:23). The Word of God says in 1 John 4 and 5 that people who are born of God love Him and the brothers they see, that they are considered children of God, and that their love for God is manifested as they obey His commands. Does this last statement apply to you? Can you pass the test that can prove that you are a child of God?

Jesus had done wonders in my life. He has protected me against the wordly temptations of the flesh and depravities of life I saw around me. I was often make fun off in school and at the University for my non-participation in what was considered fun activities. After I got married, I was privileged and am given the opportunity to raise three healthy children in the fear and the knowledge of the Lord. I know that they are growing to maturity loving God, that they will be honest and respectful citizens, and above all, that they will be mighty servants of God.

Throughout my life Father has been teaching me to deal with my biases, hurts and prejudices. I am blessed with knowing the Lord and His love. I am blessed with the goodness of God in my life. Because Father is all to me, as I go through life trials common to all, I desire to make decisions based on the Word of God that is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path. These verses of Proverbs 3 verses 5-6 and Proverbs 1 verse 23 are mine and in my heart to meditate on. I will not depart from them. I am trusting in the Lord with all my heart and not leaning on my own understanding. In all my ways, I acknowledge Him and I know He directs my steps. I believe that as I listen to Him, He is pouring out His spirit on me and making His words known to me.

As I surrender daily to the Father, I consider myself blessed and I am grateful that I can be used of Him for His glory. I will heed the issues He brings to me through the day and night hours as He speaks quietly to my heart. I dedicate myself to be His forever and at His service. With the help of the Holy Spirit Father living in me, I will follow His way always and do His will only. Without being prideful, I consider myself to be a watchwoman on the wall. And to God be all the glory! Hallelujah!

Blessed are those who hear the Word of God and obey it! (Luke 11:28)

Marie Monaus